The Sunday Song: Zombie Christmas Trees

We chop the poor trees down, then stick them in embalming fluid to keep them alive for a few weeks while we use them as our helpless servants; then we throw them away to wither in a landfill. If that isn’t a zombie, what is?

This little ditty came about because of something my daughter said — I don’t remember what exactly. But she rolled her eyes a lot when I said that it gave me this idea. If you like, you can think of it as a spiritual sequel to “Dead Cheerleaders.”

–download here

I just wrote this yesterday and recorded it in a few hours today. I play it up at Capo VII, fingerpicked, but in the recording I added a couple more guitars to give it body and it sort of turned into a 70s country rock song. Sorry about that. The fingerpicked line is on the Baby Taylor, and the rhythm parts are on the Blueridge, and I just doubled it through an amp simulator to get some crunch and space in it. And added a bass part and a fake Hammond organ.

Here’s the words and the chords, so you can sing it when caroling to freak out your neighbors. Extra points if they have a golden retriever. If you want to try the finger picked part, though, capo 7, and then you’ll have to transpose — it’ll start out with D C G chord shapes, basically.

Zombie Christmas Trees

A G D
If only you hadn’t built that Christmas Tree farm on top of the ancient burial ground
A G D
Because then we trees absorbed the evil in our sap
C G D
Now that Christmastime has once again come around
C G F D
You’ll come to our homes to chop us down and fall into our trap…!
A G D
We throw needles just like ninja stars to skewer you in the eye
A G D
We’ll set ourselves on fire just to make you fry – we’re very flammable you know
C G D
We wrap lights around in a cunning disguise and electrocute you blind
G F C C# D
And when all else fails we’ll spill our water so we turn brown and die and uglify–needles everywhere

C D C D
You keep us alive in little pots after you cut us off at the knees!
G Em F C D
We will have our revenge! We are the Zombie Christmas Trees!

We resent how you’ve ignored our lopsided brethren
And it’s humiliating to call him Charlie Brown when he’s just a very young specimen
What’s wrong with you? The conifers are such a noble species
We stay green just about all the time, and it’s not easy but it’s fine
Sometimes we take apprentices. I’ve seen poinsettias do terrible things.
And mistletoe harbor jealous resentment and vile murderous dreams
You don’t think the shape of wreaths is actually coincidence? Ha!
They’re meant to go around a human neck

Sure, pine deodorant’s in all your cars, but you say we make you sneeze?
We will have our revenge! We are the Zombie Christmas Trees!

Bm F#m
And sometimes we dream of eating Christmas cookies or sharing in the holiday meals
G F#7
Of opening presents and being family members — you don’t know how awful these futile daydreams feel
Bm F#m
But no, instead you stand us in a corner, our arms getting tired, until they SNAP!
G F#7 G7
And we share a special hatred for your dogs. We are not bathrooms or chew toys. Try the Yule logs.
C#dim D C# C D
Your golden retriever is DOOOOOOOOOMED! Doomed, doomed, doomed, Doomed heh heh heh

Cats, we can get along with. They like to climb in us. We coexist. It’s cool. & they secretly hate people too. (spoken)

We may meet ignominious ends, as our cadavers are set out to recycle.
But we are making plans that are both nefarious AND diabolical.
We gather at night in the landfills where you chip us into mulch
But in fact, your mulch is a spy! We have your floorplans!
Soon we will uproot ourselves and march to take you out
We will hang our war tinsel on our graceful boughs
And we will come for you, come for you pathetic humans
We would eat your brains if only we had mouths!

What makes you arrogant humans think that you can do as you please?
You keep us alive in little pots after you cut us off at the knees!
You start Christmas sales before Thanksgiving – puhleeeze
We will have our revenge! We are the Zombie Christmas Trees!